


Rollar Coaster

by Keeskay



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Anxiety, Cooking, Depression, Grave visits, Guilt, It Gets Better, It Gets Worse, M/M, Mental Hospital, Misaki's birthday is on the same day his parents died, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor Misaki, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, caring Takahiro, caring Usagi, therapist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:23:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keeskay/pseuds/Keeskay
Summary: Misaki blames himself for his parents' death.  How could he not? Especially after he told them to hurry home so he could celebrate his brithday.  But then everything changed that day.





	1. 8-Year-Old Misaki

**Author's Note:**

> Writing fiction helps me vent. Enjoy!

Misaki had problems, underlying ones, the ones that stay tucked into the dusty corner of a closet. The type that stays benign, until a certain time or trigger, or until they snowball. It all started when he was a little boy. He remembers it all too clearly.

It was raining outside, and the storm was slowly getting worse. But he was too excited to take much note of it, and besides, he was indoors, safe from any trigger-happy electricity. He was super excited about his 8th birthday and felt as if he couldn't wait a second later, which was why he was currently climbing a stool to grab the home phone on the kitchen countertop.

He was taught his parent's phone number a while ago, and he made sure to memorize it. They talked about how he should use it in emergencies or just when he really wanted to talk to them. Well, right now he really wanted to talk to them. They were late! Usually, they would be almost home by now, and well, time was ticking slower because Misaki was impatient. So, he dialed the number and waited eagerly until he heard his parents' voices.

"Misaki?" A voice called after a few rings. Misaki beamed, and overzealously replied, "Dad! When will you be coming home?" His father laughed, and he could hear his smile. "Don't worry, we will be home soon, but it's raining, so it might take a while." Misaki frowned at that. He wanted to celebrate his birthday and be with his loving parents now, not later! "Okay. Please hurry home! I'm really excited." 

"Okay, we'll hurry! We'll see you both soon," the father said, referencing to both Misaki and Takahiro. Misaki heard his mother in the background say a few loving departing words as they hung up the phone. Right after putting the phone back, Misaki jumped down from the stool and ran over to the dining room where his brother was setting up the table. Takahiro smiled at him, then gave him the task of setting out the plates while he went and fetched silverware. 

An hour passed without the expected parents and just as Takahiro was getting worried enough to call them, the phone rang. He picked it up, and the other side carried a serious, unfamiliar tone. "This is the police. I'm sorry, but you're parents..." The rest of the call left him stunned into silence. The little Misaki stopped swinging his legs and watched his brother's facial expression turn. Something was wrong. 

That's when everything fell apart.


	2. The First Cut

A year passed and after the news, which had spilled tragedy and disorder over the two young brothers, things had settled down a little.  They were still grieving, but Takahiro had now gotten a stable income, and they were now living in a apartment.  It was small, a little smelly, and a little run-down, but they had to live with it.  Misaki didn't complain.  Hell, he didn't complain about anything now.  
  
Misaki was a wreck after the news had fully sunk in, and the more it sunk in, the more he realized it was his fault.  Most of his time was spent ruminating about that day, that night.  He blamed himself.  How could he not?  _He had told them to hurry_.  He knew both his mom and dad would actually drive faster because he had told them to, because he pressured them to.  

  
And then one day he snapped.  He had a test that day, but his thoughts had been running rampant since last night, leading to a lack of sleep and focus.  He had tried to study the previous day, he really did try, but he just couldn't.  So, as expected, he got a bad grade.  It was failing and it hit him hard.  Even worse, when he got home, he got a condescending lecture from his brother, who had, unknown to Misaki, had also had a very rough time at work, causing Misaki to take some of the brunt of his frustration.  
  
After the unpleasant mainly one-sided conversation, Takahiro left for another job, leaving Misaki to stand in the kitchen alone.  He had a headache, and his eyes were getting foggy.  He didn't bother to lift his head up, though.  He just felt so... worthless.  A few tears hit the tiled floor, and Misaki felt a bit disgusted with himself.  Why was he crying like a baby when he could have prevented his failing grade?  Why was he not trying hard enough at his studies?  Why was he being so troublesome for his brother, who worked so hard to keep them both afloat?    
  
An dark impulse had him stomping into the kitchen and grabbing a small kitchen knife from the countertop.  Before he knew what he was doing, he made three bleeding cuts on his forearm.  His breathing picked up and he now stared in shock, but... he wasn't horrified.    
  
He stepped back from the counter and tried to process what he just did. trying to calm down a little.  The sound of a drop of blood hitting the tiled kitchen floor startled him and he frantically grabbed a paper towel to clean up his mess.  He put the knife back, though if he were being honest, he wanted to grab it again, but he didn't.  This was messed up, this was wrong... right?  
  
After cleaning up the mess with his shaking hands, he ran to his room and locked the door.  He shot under his blankets and tried to hide from the intruding thoughts in his head.    
  
     _What the hell did I just do?_  
  
_Why?_  
_What happened to me?_  
_What would Takahiro think?_  
_No, I shouldn't tell him._  
_He has enough problems with me anyway._  
_**Why did it feel good though?**_  
  
After Misaki felt as if the thoughts would overwhelm him, he got out his math book and started studying, devoting all will to the words on the pages and away from his thoughts.  It only helped a little.


	3. The Attempt

Through the years, things got rougher for Misaki after that.  A low mood during school, a fake smile for his brother, and a depressed state when he's alone in his room had become the norm.  Moments of happiness become a rare privilege, and they were usually fleeting.  Cutting had become a coping skill reserved for the worst nights.  Misaki had managed to convince his brother not to celebrate Misaki's birthday, but Takahiro insisted they celebrate it on a different day instead.  He hasn't celebrated his birthday on that day since the death of his parents.  Instead, they used that day to visit their parents' grave.  
  
School was also becoming a stressing place for him.  He's never had friends before, just the occasional greeting with a classmate or teacher if need be, and, though he dismissed the emotion, there were times he felt lonely.  But he told himself that he didn't need anybody, and also that he didn't deserve anybody.  Still, there were times when his eyes would linger on a couple in the school hallway, wondering how nice love and friendship could be.  But he wouldn't allow himself to reach out to anybody.   
  
Every year, around his parents' anniversary, a cycle was formed.  Guilt would snowball about a week before the day, and when the day came, he could barely manage to summon his worthless self at their gravestone.  After about two years of visiting the grave, he didn't cry anymore.  Instead, whenever he saw their grave, he felt the need to just die, or fall out of existence.  And then one day he tried.  
  
He was sixteen at the time, and every glance at his grades had his mind reeling.  College wasn't far away, grades like these would not do.  On top of that, his depression and anxiety were already snowballing, what with his parents' anniversary being only a few days away.    
  
He sat on his bed, and as he stared at the failing test grade, he wondered if he should even study, if he should even put in the effort.  After all, he had been trying for a long while now, but that wasn't exactly getting him the results he needed.  If anything, the nights spent awake painstakingly going over math problems and studying for English tests usually only served to further dent his grades.  After all the failed grades and barely passing grades he had gotten, this one didn't even harm him that much, at least, not in the way of a sudden shock of negativity.  Instead, it just further lowered his already depressed state.  
  
He went to the bathroom, made a few cuts on his inner thigh, but before he could walk out of the bathroom, the mirror caught his eyes.  He looked completely dead.  His skin was pale, and he had large bags under his eyes.  Good thing his brother wasn't home to see him, was his first thought.  The thoughts preceding though, were of the darkest he's had as of late.    
  
 _There's a rope in the living room dresser...  and Takahiro's not coming home for another four hours or so._  
  
 _What about the railroad tracks?  but if you survive, everyone would know._  
  
 _You could always slit your wrists.  You look so pale you probably only have a little more blood left to lose anyway._  
  
 _What about the bottle of aspirin in the cabinet?  On second thought, there are not enough pills to kill you._  
  
The first option was troublesome; there was nowhere high enough to hang the rope from.  The second option scared him.  What if he survived?  Everyone would find out and Takahiro would be shamed.  Well, if he dies, when he dies,  everyone will have found out.  But if he survives that attempt, everyone will still have found out.  

  
The third option was appealing.  Even if he did fail, it would be in the privacy of his own room.  Takahiro usually falls asleep the second he comes home anyway.  So, he makes his decision.

  
He takes off all his clothes and gets in the bath.  It feels odd for Misaki.  Knowing that this will be his last moments makes his body tremble, but not in the anxiety ridden way.  It was almost a giddy feeling, and he felt an odd mix of excitement, extremely negative thoughts, and relief.  It's almost as if somebody finally opened the door he had been pounding on for years.

  
  He doesn't even wait for the water to fill up the tub before he is laying down in it and cutting.  He takes his time though, savoring his last moments.  His vision blurs a few cuts in though, the unshed tears turn into sobbing.  To add to that, his negative thoughts only persist further with every cut.  _Finally I won't be another mouth to feed, finally Takahiro doesn't have to be disappointed in the worthless Misaki,_ finally _I can just. die._

  
A dizzy spell hits Misaki hard, causing him to almost drop the razor.  When he takes a moment to actually look at himself, he's covered in blood.  It makes him panic a little.  The water that has filling up the tub turning a scary shade of red.  His arms are shaking violently and he can barely lift them up, so he decides to toss the razor out, convinced he's done enough.  And in a moment of stable thought, he turns off the water in order to not flood the bathroom.  After all, he's done enough damage, hasn't he?

  
He lets his head rest uncomfortably against the hard cold tiles.  He momentarily regrets not bringing a pillow with him.  _But you don't deserve it, do you?_   He closes his eyes against another wave of tears, exhaustion overtaking him.  His whole body stings so much it feels as if it's on fire, but he can't bring himself to care.  His thoughts are hazy and he can't think right, everything feels surreal.  His entire body feels weak, as if he had just ran three miles without stopping.  His breathing is also ragged.

  
The one prominent thought in his mind, out of all the negative ones screaming at him, is _f_ _inally, I did it_.  He drifts into unconsciousness, but not before a smile formed on his lips.


	4. Takahiro Finds Misaki

Takahiro was having a good day.  He was let off early, which was a very rare luxury.  Normally he wouldn't except it, but seeing as how his parent's anniversary was only two days away, he decided he should spend a little time with Misaki.  Not to mention, it has been a while since he caught up with his good friend Usami. 

He entered through the door, announcing his arrival before heading into the living room to set down his briefcase and suit.  Misaki would scold him for not hanging the fancy piece of clothing up... where is Misaki by the way?  He hadn't welcomed him back like he thought he would, nor is he in the kitchen preparing dinner.  He called for his younger brother once again, then twice.  Then he got worried. 

The walls were paper thin, there was no way that Misaki couldn't have heard him.  Takahiro called his name again, his tone holding worry, as he walked to Misaki's room.  He stopped himself before he could twist his little brother's room door handle, though.  M _aybe he's asleep?_ Takahiro opened the door, but slowly, and as quietly as one could open a cheap and creaky hollow door, much to his chagrin, but his efforts did not reap the benefits.  There was no sleeping Misaki.

That made Takahiro very worried.  Through all the time they've been together, Misaki has never left the house to go play with friends, even when they were kids.  Misaki _always_ came home, or at least _said_ if he was going out or left a note. 

After checking the kitchen and all other prominently visible locations and confirming to his distress that there was no note, he started panicking.  _Misaki doesn't have a phone either!_   He hurriedly checked his own room, and then, with no expectation but a dash of hope in the back of his mind, he checked the bathroom.  He was horrified the moment he opened the door. 

Misaki sat in a body of what looked to be blood, and there were a few visible cuts on his upper arms.  His moment of shock only stopped him for a split second before he rushed over to his little brother while calling out his name.  When he lifted his brother out of the water though, he was so startled and overwhelmed that he almost dropped him.  His forearms were absolutely _littered_ with deep cuts, and so were his thighs and legs.  What's worse is that they were all still _bleeding_.

He burst into tears as he carried Misaki to his bed, setting him down as gently as he could.  He immediately pulled out his phone and tried to steady his fingers enough to call 911.  As soon as the phone picked up, which, to his great relief was within a very short amount of time, he haphazardly stuttered out what he was seeing.

"Misaki-my brother, h-he has cuts all over him and he's _bleeding out_ , and, just please send an ambulance, hurry, please, m-my address is..."

Takahiro fumbled and stuttered in his words, but it was hard.  It was _so hard_.  He was so close to losing Misaki.  God he was afraid, he was terrified.  What happens if Misaki doesn't open his eyes?  He tried his best, but he couldn't stay calm.  He was grateful the operator was patient, distracting him with questions of essential information such as blood type, room number, and amount of blood loss.

The operator gave Takahiro a number of instructions. Holding towels against the worst of the _dangerously_ bleeding wounds, elevating his arms and legs to give more blood to the vital organs, monitoring his heartbeat because _it was so slow and feint._ The only thing that kept him together was the fact that Misaki _needed_ him, right here, right now, more than ever. 

He took a good look at his little brother, now that he had calmed down a little, and the sight made his heart sink even further, leaving a sickening pit in his stomach.  Misaki was so pale, _so_ _very pale_ , even his lips had lost all color, and his sunken eyes, even though they were closed, would haunt him in his sleep for months to come.  Despite that, a lot of his skin held a slight pinkish tint.  Whether that be from the blood or the hot water in the tub, Takahiro wasn't willing to weigh the answer.  Another wave of tears hit him. 

Takahiro might have been dense as hell, but he at least knew this for what it was through tidbits of information that had gathered like dust in his mind for years.  His little brother tried to commit suicide.

Takahiro wouldn't leave Misaki's side for a long while after that, not through the nine days at the mental hospital, not through the weekly visits to the therapist, and certainly not when Misaki was having his worst days and nights. 


	5. Waking Up

Misaki was getting better.  Certainly better than he had been on that day.  Misaki didn't tell Takahiro everything about his state, how far back it went, how bad it actually was, etc.  He only told him what he had to, and even then, he was vague.  But he couldn't help it.  With every piece of information Takahiro got, he seemed more worried and stressed.  For the rest of his sixteenth year, he was heavily depressed, still suicidal, (though he couldn't tell the doctors that or they might send him back to the hospital) and still self-harming (though that too, was kept under wraps). 

The day he woke up in the hospital, he felt completely numb.  Even when his brother addressed, him, somewhere in the back of his head he registered that _oh, now my brother knows_ , but he just didn't care.  But when he saw Takahiro's face, that changed.  He was so tired looking, he looked half awake even when he was rushing up to his bedridden self, calling his name in a tone brimming with relief.

It made Misaki's eyes well up, and he looked away from his older brother in shame.  _Hurting another family member, huh?  Worthless._   Takahiro held Misaki's hand, and the younger managed to meet the older's eyes after a moment.  Takahiro looked... patient, but at the same time, he looked as if he was holding back a thousand questions.  "Umm..."  Before he could say anything though, a nurse interrupted him, silently apologizing and quickly checking in with Misaki, asking him how he was feeling. 

_Physically or mentally?_   "Fine," Misaki answered, deciding to assume the nurse meant the former.  The young nurse gave him a look of pity, then asked a favor.  "Do you mind showing me your arm with the blood drip?" 

His entire body was under a blanket, with only part of his neck and his head sticking out.  He was comfortable, but he couldn't exactly refuse the nurse, so he shifted his blanket a little and presented his arm to her, but then his anxiety spiked.  His cuts, they were bad.  Two even had a wiry black thread sewn through it.  _Stitches_.   _Was it... that bad?_  

The nurse gave a quick check to make sure the needle was in his vein had not been disturbed, then told him that a psychiatrist would be visiting him a little bit.  Misaki kept his head down, not looking at his brother or the nurse, who had thankfully exited the room.  He immediately hid his arm back under blanket, not wanting his brother's eyes he felt on him to stare another second at the remnants of his defeat. 

With every passing moment, the silence became heavier, and Misaki was starting to panic.  _Is he mad?  Does he want to leave?  He's disappointed, isn't he?  Of course he is.  Does he want to stop living with me?  Oh, god, he hates me now.  He wants me to leave, he-_

"Misaki?"  Takahiro's voice asked, startling Misaki.  Takahiro noticed Misaki's breathing getting choppy, prompting him to rush to Misaki's side, but that further worsened things.  Misaki's breathing getting faster, and for a split moment, Takahiro saw fear in his little brothers eyes.  He was _scaring_ his precious Misaki.  His mouth fumbled for words, but none came out, and he was about to call for the nurse again when a small resigned voice spoke.

"I-I'm sorry.  I'm sorry. I-..."

_He's sick of you._

_Why are you alive?_

_You killed your parents and now you're hurting your brother._

_What the hell is wrong with you?_

"Hey, you don't have to apologize.  Misaki, hey, it's okay," Takahiro tried his best to console his little  brother, trying to form some type of eye contact, but Misaki was looking straight down.  "I'm not angry, okay?"  Misaki looked up at that, and the tears that were gathering on the rims of his eyes began cascading down his cheeks.  It yanked at Takahiro's heart, making him lean over to softly hug his brother, who started silently sobbing into the other's shoulder.

Neither of them spoke after that, and they didn't get the chance to, not with the psychiatrist walking in.  Misaki dreaded it all while Takahiro was hopeful; either way, it would not be easy for either of them.


	6. Afterwards

After being discharged from the hospital, he was then sent to a mental hospital for nine days.  At first he was kind of surprised, but then he couldn't refuse it, so he just went with the flow. He wasn't necessarily dissatisfied with the mental hospital, it was okay.  But if he was being honest, it made him feel like his reasons for being there weren't valid; the other patients had much worse circumstances that lead them there.  He felt almost as if he was whining about his life. 

The first few days were fine, but the discomfort added up within the last days.  The beds made his back ache, the temperature was always kept very low, and the with the technicians and psychiatrists and therapists at every corner, he felt claustrophobic.  Not to mention, he was worrying Takahiro to death, causing the man to take a few days off for visits.  But the days when Misaki was visited by a worn-out, pale, insomniac Takahiro made him feel like trash for doing that to his older brother. 

After he was discharged, he was offered outpatient care in which he went to the same type of facility during the day and stayed with Takahiro during the evening and night, but he was able to decline, so he did, convincing Takahiro that he was indeed getting better.  He couldn't tell him how bad things in his head were though, he just didn't have the heart.  Lies were the only thing to keep his older brother from worrying and stressing himself to an early death.

He thought his mental state couldn't get worse on that day, but the preceding months proved him wrong.  He lied a lot, though he did try to be as honest as he could with his therapist, dodging bullets in order not to be sent back to the mental hospital.  But lying made him feel so guilty, _so very guilty_ , and sometimes he finds himself pleading to a god he only believed in desperate moments to just erase his existence.  Make all memory of him disappear from this earth, because in a world without him, his parents are happy and his brother is happy.  Hell, the whole world is better off without him.

When he made the mistake of disclosing to his therapist that he was still cutting, she had to tell Takahiro, much to Misaki's distress.  So that's when he started lying to his therapist.  But the effort and kindness the sweet lady put into each session made him feel guilty enough to at least try and stop cutting.  Not to mention for Takahiro's sake as well.  

It was a very slow process.  It took a while for him to really connect with his therapist, but when Misaki did, he still had to walk on egg shells.  Even so, the more his therapist encouraged him to help himself in different ways, the more his mental state started getting lighter.  By about 7th months in therapy, he was in a much better state, though he still had mental breakdowns every so often.

Misaki took up cooking as a hobby, and although he cooked before for Takahiro, (since he had to do _something_ not to be so _worthless_ ) he wasn't really mindful enough to enjoy it.  Now he can cook a large variety of dishes and he would be lying if he said he wasn't a little proud of that. 

By about the 8th month in therapy, he had stopped cutting completely, and most of the cuts were scars, though many still very prominent. 

School was the same though.  He grades were still borderline passing, and he was failing a few areas.  When Takahiro was having a light chat with Misaki one day, Misaki found out that Takahiro had wanted to go to Mitsuhashi University.  That night, while Misaki was looking at his grades and thinking of his future, he found a spark of motivation.  _I... want to go to the college that Takahiro never got to go to._

So, he got back into studying, as much as he could anyway.  He tried, but with each grade that slapped him for his hard work, he became disheartened.  But he was going to try, damn it.  It's not like he can commit suicide without destroying his brother forever, not now that he knows how much suffering he caused.  So, he sighed and got back to work.

About two months later, Misaki wanted to end his therapy sessions.  He felt a lot better, and there wasn't much to discuss in the sessions anymore, and the problems she tried to work on with him, the guilt of killing his parents, being a burden on Takahiro, Misaki felt as is 'working' such problems out meant lying to himself.  He lied himself to 'stability' and although he did feel guilty for manipulating her trust like that, it was better than her trying to convince him of how 'innocent' he is.  She was reluctant and gave both the brothers her contact information, and with a last session, finally said her goodbye to them.

Misaki was glad to have spent time with her, and although the first few sessions made him want to bolt, he doesn't regret having her as his therapist.  So, now that he's without that support, he tries his best in life.

Another eight months past, and Misaki's scars healed a lot more.  They were still visible, but under low light they would be hard to see.  He was glad for that, at least.  He remembers his therapist talking about being prideful about not cutting, but he honestly didn't care about that, really.  But he didn't want to cut again, for Takahiro.  He still took piping hot showers on bad days, though.

But his grades kept his depression and anxiety by his side.  He was convinced he was just plain stupid.  His Center Test was only four months away, and the graded paper he was handed today was spiking his negative thoughts.  He opened the door to the apartment all the while going over the not-so-far-away conversation he knew he would be having with Takahiro concerning his grades.

But before he could fully announce that he was home, his voice died when he saw a tall man hanging over his older brother.  _What the hell?_ He brother greeted him as if nothing was wrong, then introduced the man _still_ hanging all over him as "Akihiko Usami."  Misaki cringed at this _Usami_ , which sounded kind of similar to Usagi, a vague thought intruded.  Said man gave him an amused hum before commenting on how the brothers don't look alike at all.

Misaki wasn't as painfully oblivious as his brother.  It was _very obvious_ that this Usami was gay for his brother.  He was very embarrassed to have walked in on that too.  He wasn't very sure he was going to like this man and he hoped he wouldn't see him again after that encounter.


	7. Chapter 7

Okay, maybe he would be seeing Usagi faster than he expected.  It seems that that visit was more than some hugs and catching up; Takahiro had convinced Usagi to tutor Misaki.  When Misaki found out, he was angry, but also a little grateful at the same time for the effort Takahiro gave. 

So, the older became his tutor, and their first meeting alone was a complete disaster.  Misaki was sexually violated, utterly mortifying him.  He even laughed at his desire to attend Mitsuhashi University.  That pissed him off, and made him feel small.

He _really_ tried to not let all that get to him, and he felt he had every right to bolt out of the house but... dang it, he needed a teacher.  Even he knew the position he was in.  He was utterly failing and everything he's tried hasn't worked, and a free tutor can't be snatched that easily.  _For Takahiro_ , he would tell himself so as not to punch the author and walk out the door.  Or better yet so that he isn't hurting anybody, self-harm.

After the first few days, things got a little better.  The blatantly harsh blunt criticism really hurt a lot, though he didn't show it, but the author was right.  And after a little while, his grades _actually_ improved.  He was so relieved he could cry.  He was beaming with hope and studied every day to his fullest, now that he was actually getting results.

Soon, before he knew it, he was really appreciating the author.  He was really great at teaching, much more concise than his high school teachers.  Misaki was, for once in a long time, genuinely happy.  Misaki was even getting comfortable enough around Usagi to ask him about his love for Takahiro.  Turns out, Usagi's love is... kind of sad.  He yearns for his brother, a straight man whose heart is already taken by a woman.  Yet Usagi stays by Takahiro's side, treasuring him and presenting a shoulder for him to lean on during times of stress.  Misaki and Usagi got just a little bit closer after that.

Misaki was absolutely _beaming_.  He was walking home on the streets  after taking a practice exam which revealed how much his grades improved, and his first urge was to run to his tutor's house and tell Usagi.  He really wanted to see Usagi, to have Usagi to acknowledge his effort and praise him!

But then he realized his thoughts.  _Wait, what the..._   He stopped that odd train of thought, realizing that Takahiro is the one he should be telling first, not his Usagi!  _No no no, I'm_ not _gay, not gay!_   And as he told himself that, Usagi appeared, asking him what he was doing hugging the panda street sign. 

He jumped at the sudden appearance of his tutor, who then gave him a box telling him it was cake for Takahiro's birthday.  "Looks like you've forgotten."  Misaki felt a large pang of guilt and verbally denied it.  _How could you forget his own brother's birthday?  Piece of shit._   Misaki tried to push away the thought, or, as his therapist encouraged, _challenge_ the thought, but why would he challenge thoughts he himself believed to be true?

Misaki decided to hand his grades to Usagi, who was standing there waiting.  "I... got these back today,"  Misaki said in tone lost of all joyful enthusiasm it held just a moment ago.  He was shocked when a large hand landed on his head, ruffling his hair with a large smile.  "Good job!"

Misaki's cheeks lit up much more than Misaki would admit.  And that smile made his heart skip a beat (not that he would admit that either).  _Why are you getting so happy?  He's only praising you because your grades will make your brother happy,_ a voice spat in his head.  _Ugh, why can't I have no negative thoughts for more than 24 hours..._ Misaki thought to himself.  So he and Usagi headed to Takahiro's apartment to prepare the birthday party before the man arrived home.

 

~~\------------------~~

 

"We've decided to get married." 

The news shocked Misaki, but he knew who would be affected most by his brother's announcement.  He managed to see the split-second shock on Usagi's face, followed by him masking all emotions and congratulating Takahiro.  And _that,_ that right there stabbed Misaki's heart.  Usagi was obviously hurting, no matter how well he's playing out the act of a supportive best friend.  Seeing Usagi having to hide his emotions right now the same way he had to for years sparked a pit of anger and... protectiveness.

"It makes me really happy that you approve.  I wanted you to be the first to know."

Impulse took over his mind, just like the day he made those first cuts, and he slammed his fist against the wall, gaining all eyes of shock.  But he didn't look at them.  _Great..._   His mind was reeling.  _Why did I do that..._.  "We're out..."  His brother made a noise of question, so Misaki continued.  "We're out of sake, so I'll go buy some."

When his brother replied saying "they won't sell to a minor" Misaki took his opportunity, grabbing the surprised Usagi's hand and running out the door.  After almost a minute of running, Misaki's vision started blurring, so he came to a stop. 

The streetlight was the only source of light, and the area itself was empty of all humans.  Misaki was glad for that as he couldn't stop the tears now making their way down his face.  He had let go of Usagi, who was not standing a few feet behind him. 

He sobbed, trying in vain to wipe the tears from his eyes as he bent over to catch his breath.  _Causing more trouble for your brother, huh? Not to mention his wife and Usagi._   The urge to cut struck him, but he tried to focus his thoughts on something else, as his therapist had recommended.  Mindfulness, she called it; focusing on something outside your thoughts, whether that be the feeling of your feet in your shoes or how the jeans feel against your legs; anything to get him out of his head. 

Even when trying his best, the urge was still there, along with another wave of negative, harshly critical voices that never seem to leave him and know just the worse times to scream at him.  "I'm sorry..."  Misaki near-whispered.  It was the least he could do. 

"Why are you apologizing?" Usagi questioned behind him.  His voice wasn't critical or judgmental; if anything it seemed like a natural toned question, and Misaki  was grateful for that.  He was expecting something between a cold shoulder and a harsh tone.  Another thing his therapist tried to help him with: expecting the worst first. 

"Because!"  Misaki continued, sniffling and again trying wipe away his tears.  He wouldn't turn to Usagi, not like this.  "You love Nii-chan so much, you've cared for him so much...!"  The ball in his throat felt so asphyxiating, and it was hard for him to get his words out and  making him pause between sentences.  His tears flowed further and suddenly all he could find his thoughts caring about was Usagi. 

"For him to say that he wanted you to be the first to meet her...  that was too insensitive...  It was the first time I wanted to punch my brother!" 

Usagi  huffed a soft snort of amusement Usagi.  "You got an terrible way of crying."  

Misaki's half-hearted defenses kicked in, "It's because of you that I'm crying!"  He whipped himself around and finished, "Even if you start crying, you can't stop, even if you want to!"  He closed his eyes, hoping that somehow the tears would stay locked in, but he could still feel them slide down his cheeks.

"That's true."  Footsteps approached, and Usagi's large, cold hand landed on his head comfortingly before another hand suddenly grabbed Misaki's own and pulled it up, restraining a flinch when lips locked onto his own; _Usagi's lips_.

In an instant, all his thoughts, all the negativity mocking him, everything, it all stopped.  He was jolted back into reality, the here and now, the lips against his, the warmth of such a tender touch, and the spark of new emotions flowing through him. 

The moment felt so... perfect.  Even though Usagi had just lost any chance with the one he's been in love with for years, even after Misaki caused a scene and dragged Usagi out with him, even though it's so cold they could see their breath, it was just perfect.  Misaki was barely thinking, instead, his emotions took over that attention, and it felt so nice.  So good to just be out of his own head.  Misaki found himself hoping that Usagi felt this same bliss.

They held each other after that, not saying much at all.  Misaki felt the silent wet drops on his shoulder and held the other tighter and soothed his hair, offering as much comfort as he could.  Even after it started snowing, they stayed a little longer in each other's arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope it's not too crappy. Any constructive criticism is appreciated.


End file.
